24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway
American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's f*cking close to water. - Monty Python
And God said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good. Then God said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light.
As a rule, I don't drink -- as a habit, I do!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Beer contains Vitamin Pee.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
Beer: Now THERE'S a temporary solution.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your beer.
Dough, the stuff, that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that tends the bar, Me, the guy, who drinks my beer, Far, the distance to the bar, So, I think I'll have a beer, La, Laa lAA lAh LaH LAA LAAAH! Tea, no thanks I want a beer, which brings us back to Dough Dough Dough!
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll waste a lifetime.
I don't drink anymore. Of course, I don't drink any less, either.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra
I have a drink to celebrate the little things. Like Tuesdays - we only have one of those a week!
I killed a six-pack just to watch it die.
I swear to drunk I'm not God!
I'd rather have a beer than win father of the year. - Homer Simpson
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Pick up lines
How bout you, me, and privacy?
You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.-The Bloodhound Gang
Why don't you step out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini?
Are you wearing lipstick? - she answers yes - Mind if I taste it?
Can I have a picture? ......So I can show Santa EXACTLY what I want for Christmas.
Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Do you sleep on your stomach? No? Can I?
Go up to the girl of your dreams, give her a single rose and say, "I just wanted to show this rose what true beauty is."
Hey, do you know what winks and makes love like a tiger? *WINK*
I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock!
I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw.
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
If I were God, all of my angels would look like you!
If you held up 11 roses in front of a mirror, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
Men are like parking spaces: All the good ones are taken and all that's left are handicapped.
Oh, my dear! Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Stick with me baby and I'll buy you rocks as big as diamonds.
They say to never judge a book by its cover. So why don't we take off your coverings, and let me judge you in the morning?
Well? Have you saved up enough to take me out yet?
Whoops! Sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
You're so hot you must be the reason for global warming.
You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.-The Bloodhound Gang
Why don't you step out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini?
Are you wearing lipstick? - she answers yes - Mind if I taste it?
Can I have a picture? ......So I can show Santa EXACTLY what I want for Christmas.
Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Do you sleep on your stomach? No? Can I?
Go up to the girl of your dreams, give her a single rose and say, "I just wanted to show this rose what true beauty is."
Hey, do you know what winks and makes love like a tiger? *WINK*
I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock!
I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw.
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
If I were God, all of my angels would look like you!
If you held up 11 roses in front of a mirror, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
Men are like parking spaces: All the good ones are taken and all that's left are handicapped.
Oh, my dear! Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Stick with me baby and I'll buy you rocks as big as diamonds.
They say to never judge a book by its cover. So why don't we take off your coverings, and let me judge you in the morning?
Well? Have you saved up enough to take me out yet?
Whoops! Sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
You're so hot you must be the reason for global warming.
Military
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
Air force definition of explosives: A loud noise followed by the sudden going away of what was once there a second ago.
Always remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.
Don't draw fire. It irritates the people around you.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
Don't run, you'll only die tired. - Army Snipers
Face this way towards enemy. (Printed on Claymore mines).
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
Friendly fire - isn't.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If you find yourself in a fair fight you didn't plan your mission properly!
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
Retreating?! Hell no, we're just attacking the other direction!
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez
Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.
Who *cares* if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?
Air force definition of explosives: A loud noise followed by the sudden going away of what was once there a second ago.
Always remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.
Don't draw fire. It irritates the people around you.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
Don't run, you'll only die tired. - Army Snipers
Face this way towards enemy. (Printed on Claymore mines).
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
Friendly fire - isn't.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If you find yourself in a fair fight you didn't plan your mission properly!
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
Retreating?! Hell no, we're just attacking the other direction!
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez
Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.
Who *cares* if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?
One Liners
Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno
"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" - Homer Simpson
"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."
"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.
A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.
Above all else: Sky.
Absence makes the heart grow fungus.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.-Steven Wright
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit
And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?".
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Assassins do it from behind.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".
Don't abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
Elephants wear tu-tus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree? No? Well then, you know it works.
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.
Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".
I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!
I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.
I have spent most of my money on women and beer. The rest I just wasted...
I like feminists - I think they're cute.
I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.
It's so cold here, the lawyers have there hands in their own pockets!
Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in our living rooms.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
This email is never sent unsolicited. It is only sent to you because you are lucky enough to know the sender.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.
Today's subliminal thought is:
Today, my marker board reads: 'This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week.' It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up.
Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
Write your questions down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno
"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" - Homer Simpson
"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."
"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.
A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.
Above all else: Sky.
Absence makes the heart grow fungus.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.-Steven Wright
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit
And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?".
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Assassins do it from behind.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".
Don't abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
Elephants wear tu-tus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree? No? Well then, you know it works.
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.
Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".
I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!
I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.
I have spent most of my money on women and beer. The rest I just wasted...
I like feminists - I think they're cute.
I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.
It's so cold here, the lawyers have there hands in their own pockets!
Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in our living rooms.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
This email is never sent unsolicited. It is only sent to you because you are lucky enough to know the sender.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.
Today's subliminal thought is:
Today, my marker board reads: 'This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week.' It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up.
Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
Write your questions down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
fun at WORK
Due to the constant fluctuation in customer personalities, we cannot be responsible for the mental stability of any one member of our staff. (Seen in a gas station in Toronto, Ontario, Canada)
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Remember there's no I in team... (but there is an M and an E)
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.
Another month ends. All targets met. All systems working. All customers satisfied. All staff eagerly enthusiastic. All pigs fed and ready to fly.
Dear IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.
Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I don't mind the rat race but I could do with a little more cheese.
I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I've got to get back to work. When I stop rowing, the slave ship just goes in circles.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Illegitmitatum Non Carborundum Est - Never let the bastards grind you down!
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Nobody notices what I do until I don't do it.
Not only do I not know what's going on, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
Note on a door: Out to lunch... if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
Save time... see it my way.
Someday it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...
Sorry - yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
Sorry I'm late, I'll leave early to make up for it.
Teamwork means: A lot of mindless idiots doing exactly what the boss says!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!
The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
The problem with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin
They can't fire me. Slaves have to be sold.
They say the pen is mightier than the sword (if you miss a deadline, you'd better bring the sword).
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Remember there's no I in team... (but there is an M and an E)
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.
Another month ends. All targets met. All systems working. All customers satisfied. All staff eagerly enthusiastic. All pigs fed and ready to fly.
Dear IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.
Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I don't mind the rat race but I could do with a little more cheese.
I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I've got to get back to work. When I stop rowing, the slave ship just goes in circles.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Illegitmitatum Non Carborundum Est - Never let the bastards grind you down!
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Nobody notices what I do until I don't do it.
Not only do I not know what's going on, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
Note on a door: Out to lunch... if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
Save time... see it my way.
Someday it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...
Sorry - yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
Sorry I'm late, I'll leave early to make up for it.
Teamwork means: A lot of mindless idiots doing exactly what the boss says!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!
The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
The problem with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin
They can't fire me. Slaves have to be sold.
They say the pen is mightier than the sword (if you miss a deadline, you'd better bring the sword).
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
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